I was listening to a talk by psychiatrist Daniel Siegel, in which he reviewed elements of mindfulness practice as he teaches them to therapists.  During a portion of his talk, he focused on the inevitable presence of judgments in our thinking.  He pointed out how a key to dealing with judgments is in our relationship to them.  We can either mindlessly accept judgments that spring into our awareness, as if they pointed out something important that we need to take in, or we can understand that they are no different from any of the other thoughts our brain constantly generates, as part of its inherent nature. 

As I listened, the importance of the distinction he was making hit home.  When we live consciously, and seek to live with compassion and lovingkindness, it doesn’t mean we won’t ever have any judgments.  What it does mean is that we can learn to allow these judgments to arise and move through awareness in the same way we would any other “neuronal gossip” (from Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche’s book, “The Joy of Living”). 

The pivotal piece here is to understand that we can’t stop judgments from happening – they’re part of the workings of the brain and human nature, but we can stop ourselves from giving more energy to judgments when we grab hold of them, turning them this way and that, and add energy and more judgments to them.  Think of the last time you found yourself criticizing someone – or yourself – in your mind.  In order to stay with that criticism, you had to add thoughts, feelings, stories.  You may even have added degrees of emotional upset as you hung onto, and developed, your judgment.

For this week’s experiment, I invite you to notice your relationship to judging yourself and others, and how you relate to judgments that show up in your mind as you go through the day.  For example, do you notice yourself judging someone and then developing that judgment or fighting with it?  Do you add more evidence and remind yourself of the ways in which you or the other person deserves your criticism?  Do you notice you are judging, then become critical or angry with yourself for doing so, and then seek to fend off the judgments going through your mind?

The skill you can practice with this week’s experiment is, instead, to notice judgments as they arise, recognize they are just thoughts like any others, and let them move on without paying additional attention to them.  Simply noticing and then letting them go allows them to move on the stream of consciousness without interference.  When given the time and space to move on, judgments will most likely lose their energy and fade.

Now, learning not to pay particular attention to our judgments doesn’t mean that there aren’t important discernments we need to make about people and experiences in our lives.  When you have a response to someone that needs your attention – as when someone treats you negatively, or you don’t like a particular place or experience – it’s important to listen to your response and act to take care of yourself.  This is different from the kinds of judgments we’re exploring in this experiment, which are the many and varied evaluations and criticisms we have of ourselves and others many times throughout the day.

As with all the experiments, allow yourself to have curiosity as your constant companion.  Remember to let go of judgments about yourself as you play with the experiment.  The goal isn’t to have no judgments – it’s to learn how not to add more energy to them, to let them just move through, when and as they inevitably arise.

265th Week:  The Cost of Adding Energy to Uncomfortable Experiences
There’s a principle in the Somatic Experiencing® approach for treating trauma that has to do with not adding more energy to an already-overwhelmed nervous system and psyche in people who have experienced physical or emotional trauma.  It’s a principle that conveys a deep wisdom – one that we can use to explore our own capacity to re-center and ground ourselves when we’re confronted with activating, upsetting experiences.

For example, when something happens that causes us stress or distress, our response to the event is affected by the subsequent thoughts and other reactions we have to our initial experience.  If we generate negative thoughts about it, or fuel overwhelming emotions with a review of all the bad things that have happened to us, or the injustices that led to the overwhelming experience, we add energy to our already-overloaded psyche and body. 

If, on the other hand, we notice our reaction mindfully, becoming aware of it without clinging to it or attempting to push it away, we can more skillfully allow activating responses to emerge and then move through without adding more energy to them.  When we can do this, whatever arises in our thoughts, feelings, and sensations has the room it needs to move into our immediate awareness and then on through.

For this week’s experiment, I invite you to explore the ways in which you add energy to the challenges and distress you may encounter along the way.  For example, if you get caught in a traffic jam, notice your responses.  Do you have thoughts that add to your stress?  Do you become physically tense and tight?  Do you fuel irritation by telling yourself that this shouldn’t be happening to you?  If you fall and hurt yourself, do you start into a round of self-criticism or blame against yourself or someone else?  If you feel angry or sad during distress, do you allow yourself to notice those feelings without magnifying them, or do you feed yourself negative thoughts that actually increase the feelings?

When you become aware of adding energy to your distress in this way, notice what happens if you stop whatever thoughts may increase your distress.  As you experience your distress without adding anything to it, notice what happens.  The process is similar to a mindfulness meditation, where you become aware of what’s moving through your experience without doing anything with or to it.  It’s just the next awareness arising.

Most of us have a habit of spontaneously adding to our distress, without realizing we’re doing so.  As you work with this experiment, you may discover that challenging experiences don’t cause quite as much suffering when you allow them to just be what they are without adding in upsetting thoughts or reactions.  It doesn’t mean these thoughts or reactions won’t emerge spontaneously.  The key is to notice them and let them go, not to jump on board with them.  While we can’t control what comes our way, we can be more skillful about how we move through the difficulties that enter our lives.